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July 3, 2014
Rin Moriyama, to put it mildly, was an absolute fool.
She was not only a fool but a music fanatic too. Had she merely been a music fanatic, she would have been harmless to me. If only a fool, our paths would never have crossed. But she was an unbearable music-crazed fool. One who had a knack for dragging me into her chaotic situations.
Despite her appearance as a refined and adorable young lady, one should never judge a book by its cover. Rin was not a princess who would quietly stay inside her sheltered world; rather, she was more likely to break out through a window out of sheer boredom. That was Rin.
It was the summer of our senior year of high school.
It was a daunting period where anything other than studying for exams was not permitted; even meal and sleep times were to be sacrificed. Rin transferred to my class during this time, and in a place where she did not know anyone, she declared her intention to form a band for the school festival.
Her reason for transferring to Kita High, a school notorious for its band activity ban, was simple. It was the alma mater of her favorite band. No other reason.
She had no experience in writing lyrics or music, could not play any instruments and had no influential connections. Despite her forceful personality, akin to a runaway steam locomotive, she was not physically strong. Yet, with a voice that seemed to pour out the power pent up in her petite frame, she was determined to realize her dream, inspired by the school festival where her favorite band had made their debut.
Her dream was to form a band and perform at Kita High's school festival.
She would bulldoze her way through life without hesitation, casually laughing off any chaos she caused along the way. She was like a ten-ton truck with no brakes, but more compact. I often found myself in her path. Here is one such example.
Satoshi! I'm so sorry! I gave them the wrong CD for the broadcast. I wasn't thinking clearly!
Rin laughed casually while making a gesture of apology with one hand.
You two, again?!
The student council president approached us, clearly annoyed.
I grabbed Rin's hand and we bolted from the classroom to escape the president's anger. We headed straight for the broadcast room.
You're an idiot! We need to stop this broadcast now!
The sound, more like noise, of a dreadful guitar melody, paired with an overly enthusiastic singing voice, reverberated throughout the school during the lunch break. The contrast between the two was not music to the ears.
It was a CD of us playing in a moment of pure enthusiasm. It had been stashed away in my closet and was not meant to see the light of day. Now it was being played throughout the school and giving me no end of embarrassment.
But . . . I kind of like how I'm singing, you know?
So not only is your brain messed up, but your ears too, huh . . .
My ears are fine! I mean, this song really is good. It makes me feel great!
Rin laughed.
I had the urge to flick her on the forehead, but I held back.
Anyway, we need to get to the broadcast room before the vice principal and grab that CD quickly. Otherwise, we're done for . . .
Ooh. And we went to so much trouble to get the broadcasting club's help.
And whose fault is that?
I grumbled as I ran alongside Rin.
Rin Moriyama, Satoshi Shinohara of class 3-1. Come to the staff room after school.
. . . I knew it.
I muttered under my breath as I smashed the offending CD.
It was the vice principal, the leader of the opposition to our band activities, who had summoned us just before the end of lunch break.
Although we managed to retrieve our CD without getting caught by any teachers, the vice principal was convinced that we were the culprits. After school was where we had to offer our defense.
This is a miscarriage of justice.
I kept pleading.
Oh no! The plan was to grab everyone with our music, but not like this.
Rin crossed her arms.
Hmmph.
This is your fault, you know. Not only is performing live at the Kita High Festival impossible now, but we can forget about even recruiting people to join our band.
It's okay, don't worry. We'll figure something out. I'm sure we can convert people with our music!
There was not a hint of doubt in her eyes. It was delusion at its finest.
Stop doing foolish things and it might go well.
Ah! There you go saying things like that again!
Rin punched my shoulder.
It's the truth, dummy.
You're still saying them!
I pushed Rin away and sighed.
Why did I get involved with such a dummy . . . To perform on the stage at the festival is all but impossible.
Don't call me a dummy! Be positive!
Well, maybe if we could cure your foolishness, there might be a glimmer of hope.
You're the fool, Satoshi!
I trailed behind Rin's huffing figure as she stormed back to the classroom, heaving another sigh.
It's going to be fine. Your dream will come true.
I quietly murmured to myself.
Because I knew.
Even though I made fun of Rin's dream to her, I was aware of what would follow.
I knew that we would form a band and that the school festival performance three months later would be a triumph.
And I also knew that soon after that, Rin would succumb to her condition.
I knew how it would all play out.
I had traveled back in time from six months in the future.
I was here for only one reason.
To erase the past moment where I confessed my feelings to Rin.
I should not have confessed my love for her.
Back then, I was blind to Rin's physical condition and her emotions.
October 5, 2014
The moment I turned on the lights, the hotpot after-party venue that was my living room descended into something resembling hell on earth.
Some retreated immediately to the bathroom without saying a word, others used brute force to claim their turn in the bathroom, while a few frantically wiped their mouths with wet tissues while directing their ire at the cause of the pandemonium. I was about to caught be up in it—a thoroughly boiled cricket and an overturned pot caught my attention before I delivered a karate chop to the guilty party.
Ouch!
Rin cried out in protest.
I broke no rules! I was told to bring nothing that melts like chocolate, only edible things, right?!
This situation was more about common sense.
Then again, discussing common sense with Rin was like talking to a wall.
I bought them from a pet store so they must be clean, and I even checked with the shopkeeper if they were safe to eat!
So, what was the problem? There was no such thing as clean or dirty crickets. Crickets are NOT food.
In the end, the party wrapped up sooner than expected. Not surprising, since three of the five of us were subjected to live crickets in their mouths so they left. Only Rin and I remained, as she assisted in the cleanup as punishment for her cricket take on hotpot.
Everyone was too drained on the day of the festival for an after-party, so we had decided to set another day. Well, that did not go as I hoped.
Well, the toast practically made up eighty percent of the after-party. So we decided to call it a day. We knew we would be swamped with exam preparations from then on, but that would only last a few months. There will be plenty of chances to gather like this again.
I passed Rin a cloth.
Let's get this cleaned up before my parents get home.
Yes, sir!
Despite Rin's pouting and the mess she had created with the cricket hotpot, it was my responsibility to clean the living room floor.
This kind of scene had become common over the past three months.
It was always my duty to clean up what remained of Rin's doing.
But at some point, I found myself starting to take pride in this role I had initially found tiring.
Hmmph.
The word slipped out between my smiles.
Why on earth did I fall for such a goofy girl?
I'm so hungry.
Just as we finished making the living room nice and tidy, a growl came from Rin's stomach.
Why don't you eat some of the cicadas we can hear?
Hey, that's not nice!
Rin tugged at my sleeve insistently.
Let's go get something at the convenience store.
Fine, just let go of me.
The night air in October was already quite chilly.
Rin, wearing her jacket, was nervously looking around like a dog as we headed to the nearest convenience store.
The moment we entered the store, Rin's eyes lit up as she spotted something.
Oh! Steamed buns?! They really sell them here like this?!
Rin was glued to the case containing the steamed buns.
Ah, so you've never seen these before?
Rin had spent a long time in the hospital due to a condition she'd had since birth. This meant she was experiencing many things for the first time.
Everything from convenience stores, parks, movie theaters, smartphones, and even school routes piqued her interest. I found her childlike curiosity endearing, but sometimes it led to moments like the cricket hotpot incident.
Although Rin had familiarized herself with various things in the three months since arriving at Kita High School, there was still more to discover as the seasons changed.
They have more than meat fillings?!
Rin's eyes widened as she saw the variety of buns on offer. After staring at the display case for what seemed like an eternity, which made us appear suspicious in the eyes of the store clerk, she finally made a decision.
I'd like one of each kind, please.
She had a serious look on her face.
Following Rin's lead, I also bought a couple of meat buns, and then we left the store.
Do you have room to eat them all?
Rin was cheerfully stuffing one of the buns she bought into her mouth while waving around a plastic bag filled with four more buns.
Well, worst case scenario, I'll take a bite out of each one and give the rest to you, Satoshi.
You didn't think this through properly.
Despite my concerns, Rin easily finished all five buns.
As usual, we chatted while heading toward her home, which was on the other side of the station.
Hey . . .
As we were about to enter the station, Rin suddenly stopped.
Her attention turned to the railway tracks.
Isn't Inaba University that way?
It's about two stations away.
Wanna check it out?
You serious?
Rin impatiently tugged at the hem of my jacket.
Come on!
Wait, hold on.
It was the middle of the night. I had no idea why she needed us to go there.
We can go some other time.
Aww.
Rin pouted. Still clinging to me, she stood her ground before tugging at me in all directions.
Let's go.
. . .
These past three months, there had not been a single occasion where I could resist Rin's whims.
No matter how outlandish they were, Rin always went all out.
Within just three months of her arrival at Kita High, she had used that sheer force of personality to overturn a long-standing rule that had banned band activities for nearly a decade.
Resistance was futile, so I quickly gave in.
Alright, let's do it.
I went to the machine to buy tickets. But when I turned around, Rin was cheerfully heading in a completely different direction.
Satoshi? No, no, you're going the wrong way. This way.
She turned and beckoned me over.
Let's take a walk along the railway tracks.
And there goes Rin, being stupid again.
I'm not stupid! There's antimony, arsenic, aluminum, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium!
Rin, ever the diligent student, sang the lyrics to the "Elements Song," flashing a triumphant grin. It was hard to believe that she was the top student in our school year.
Anyway, this way is more fun, isn't it?
. . . You really are one of a kind, you know that?
Heh, heh.
I gave up.
I decided I had no say in the matter.
This was the dynamic between us, a relationship that had established over the past three months and was unlikely to change any time soon.
Damn, slow down.
As we moved away from the station area, the surroundings quickly became less populated, and the lights dimmer.
Under a faint moonlight, Rin and I walked through the autumn night.
She was walking beside me, close enough that our shoulders were almost together.
Feeling embarrassed of our hands possibly touching, I stuffed both of mine into my jacket pockets.
You're always getting up to something crazy.
Really?
Nobody in their right mind decides to perform live in public just a week after meeting someone.
Ah, we did, didn't we?
Rin reminisced.
That was fun, wasn't it?
She laughed.
Satoshi, you looked absolutely terrified on stage.
Don't remind me about that . . .
And you even fell over during the final song.
I don't remember that . . .
To top it off, we were caught out as students from Kita High School and severely punished. Despite being a small venue, our first live performance was a disaster.
We need to get back there again after our exams and show them what they are missing.
Next time, with the whole gang, right?
Rin thrust her arm into the air. Her eyes lit up as if she could already visualize our next live performance.
There was a brief pause.
By the way, Satoshi, how are your studies going?
I plan to knuckle down . . .
I'll be keeping a super close eye on your studying. There will be no slacking off under my watch, okay?
Are you planning on doing that study session from hell again?
Looking back even now, that experience still strikes fear in me.
Supervised not only by Rin but also by the president of the student council, the study session was quite a brutal affair.
Hee hee hee. That was nothing short of heavenly for me!
I was not sure how serious she was, but she seemed intent on improving my grades, which were barely acceptable to my parents. I should look on the bright side, since without such sessions, my chances of getting into university were slim.
Are you sure you're all right? You should be focusing on your entrance exam studies.
Spending time with you will not stop me from passing.
Well, that's true.
The university we intended to apply to was a challenge for me, but practically a breeze for Rin. I'll take her word for it.
Perhaps because our goal was university, Rin and I continued walking, discussing trivial matters like how much time we could dedicate to our band once we got in. It was as if we were already planning to slack off before we were even there.
Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.
The walk to the university was quite long. By the time we got there, Rin and I had progressed from idle chatter to more serious discussions like our potential career options if we could not make a living from the band.
Satoshi, I can picture you as a detective.
What makes you say that?
You have a rather intimidating face.
In that case, you'd be a great fit for a safari park.
Oh, taking care of animals does sound like fun!
No, I meant as one of the animals. You're something of a rare species.
Satoshi, you're not just academically challenged, you're also mean!
No need to say that.
That must be the place.
While we were talking about such trivial things, the university gates came into view.
It's so big!
The moment Rin stepped through the gates, she squealed and spun around in delight.
Although shrouded in darkness, it was clear the university was much larger than Kita High School.
Believe it or not, this is actually one of the smaller ones.
Really?!
That's right. The university we're aiming for is even bigger.
I had never been to the open campus, but that's what I had heard.
Hmm . . . So this is what university is like.
Rin drifted toward a building where there still seemed to be some students. She then became serious.
Satoshi, you have to get into Wakasa University.
Why the sudden decree?
If we could go together, I bet it would be a lot of fun.
I couldn't help but return Rin's smile as she said this.
Not wanting her to see my face, I looked away, gazing into the distant future.
Yeah, that does sound nice.
Yes, it was guaranteed to be fun. As long as Rin was there, fun would follow.
The members of our band had plans to attend nearby Wakasa University together with us. Despite the school festival being over, we still wanted to keep the band going.
Keep moving forward. With Rin.
Hey, are you okay?
Suddenly, Rin began to sway unsteadily.
I quickly steadied her by the shoulder.
Rin's once infectious energy disappeared as she seemed unusually delicate and fragile. A stark contrast to her typically vibrant persona.
Rin was leaning on my shoulder with her head bowed.
Um, I think I'm a bit tired.
Her voice wavered.
For a moment, Rin gently leaned into me. Then, suddenly, she pulled away and turned to face me but avoided looking directly at me.
I guess two stations of walking is enough to make me dizzy.
Rin's ears and cheeks were faintly red, illuminated by the streetlight on the university campus.
Feeling a bit flustered, I looked down at her toes so she wouldn't notice.
Where did all that energy you had on stage go?
Rin's prolonged hospital stays had left her with limited stamina and control so that at times she couldn't even ride a bicycle. However, when we played music together, she would bounce around and sing as if revealing her true self.
Or maybe all we did at the festival was finally catching up to her.
We're taking the train home, right?
Rin had anticipated what I was about to suggest.
I told you we should have taken the train from the start.
As I began walking toward the station, I heard a voice behind me . . .
That's so boring though!
Rin scampered behind.
We purchased tickets at the station, which could be mistaken for a shack. I was about to board the near-empty train when I felt a slight pull on my sleeve.
. . . What's up?
I glanced down where I saw Rin holding onto my sleeve.
Hey, steady on. You're my crutch.
Rin sounded tired as she held on, slightly behind me.
. . .
I didn't feel like turning around, so, letting her keep hold of my sleeve, I gently reached back and caught her sleeve in return. The back of her hand brushed against mine. It was unusually warm.
And so, we made our way home, hardly speaking, nor looking at each other as we headed in the exact opposite direction of where we had come from.
I never found the right moment to ask why she had suddenly wanted to walk to Inaba University.
We arrived in front of Rin's home.
All that was left was to bid our usual farewell.
However, our fingers were still gripping each other's sleeves. We stood frozen at the gate, uncertain of what to do next.
Unable to bear the silence between us, I let go of Rin's sleeve. I continued looking straight ahead.
Make sure you get some rest.
After a moment, Rin also let go.
Then, she suddenly jumped in front of me.
Rin's face wore her characteristic carefree smile.
Aye aye! I'll make sure I sleep well!
With a two-finger salute and casual goodbye, she turned around and ran up the small steps leading to her front door.
Ouch!
Thud.
Hey, what happened?
Rin had tripped over a step, letting out a silly noise as she fell.
Be careful!
I reached out to help her up, grabbing her wrist.
But then . . .
. . . Rin?
Her hand was limp, lifeless. No matter how many times I called her name, Rin wouldn't open her eyes.
She was whisked away in an ambulance and admitted to hospital.
Two weeks passed before I had the chance to see Rin again.
Eager to see for myself how she was doing, I dashed off to the hospital the moment I was notified that visitors were permitted.
Ah, Satoshi . . .
Rin, lying on a white hospital bed, looked drained.
Her eyes, once full of life, were now weak and half-closed. Her once blushing cheeks were drained of their color.
In only two weeks it seemed as though Rin had aged dramatically. The air around her was heavy, tainted with the scent of death.
What was this?
It had been three months since Rin transferred to our school.
During that time, she had been more vibrant and energetic than anyone else I knew.
The idea that she couldn't attend school regularly due to a congenital heart disease seemed almost far-fetched, given her vivacious, sometimes overwhelming nature.
Rin had undergone a successful heart transplant, regained her health, and started attending school, where she became a part of our lives.
Why was this happening all over again?
I was struggling to comprehend this sudden change in reality.
Prior to the visit, I had heard her story from Rin's parents and doctor.
Rin's health had begun to deteriorate around the time she switched schools and by then, all that could be done was to sustain her life and hope that a new treatment would be discovered.
I was given a detailed description of her treatment with immune-suppressing drugs, but most of it went over my head.
The only thing I did understand was that Rin had steadfastly refused treatment, opting to spend her remaining days at school with us.
Heh, heh. I thought I'd have time up until the graduation ceremony . . . Maybe I overdid it a bit.
Rin's voice, once vibrant and resonant, had become weak and barely audible. To hear her, you had to focus intently on her face and listen carefully.
Rin's parents and the attending doctor had stepped out of the room.
Rin and I were left alone in her private room, in a cruelly tranquil environment that was sterile yet not devoid of life.
I'm glad I had the chance to meet you, Satoshi, and everyone else.
She sounded feeble, yet she spoke without hesitation.
Even though it was only three months, it was the time of my life.
Hey, Rin.
Despite me calling out her name, Rin continued talking.
I know it seems selfish, but I'm glad I chose school over getting treatment.
Hold on!
I was surprised by the loud volume of my voice.
I took a moment, trying to steady my voice.
Meanwhile, Rin waited in silence.
This was the first time I had seen her so quiet.
I found myself wishing she would tease me like she usually did.
Why are you talking like . . . like this is the end?
Because, I'm going to die soon.
Rin's voice was calm, fully accepting of her fate. I had to confront a reality I did not want to accept.
That was perhaps the moment that I truly realized I was about to lose Rin.
You know, what's surprising? I have no regrets. I mean, I've been doing whatever I wanted for these past three months, so it's only natural. Oh, but I guess one thing is that you continuously refused to do a duet with me. If I had created a situation where you couldn't escape, then I might have given you no choice in the matter. I should have tried that, haha.
She was probably imagining me stuck in a situation where I had no choice but to sing.
Rin laughed as if she was teasing me as always.
I had no idea what kind of face I was making in front of her.
Hey, Satoshi. This is my last selfish request, okay?
Lying on the bed, Rin whispered to me.
Keep the band going. Keep your head up and do your best. If you do that, I'll be happy.
It almost sounded like a prayer.
Those words struck my heart more than any song Rin had ever performed.
. . .
I could not find the words, and unexpressed feelings rampaging within me.
After all this time of doing what you please, this is your final wish?
Keep the band going? That's impossible.
Do you think we can replace you with another singer as passionate as you?
You knew all along your life wouldn't be long.
Yet you kept smiling till the end.
If you were a boy, I would be reacting quite differently.
There was so much I wanted to say.
Getting it all off my chest would tear my throat apart. However, a single feeling, contrary to my anger, slipped out instead.
One that, once spoken, couldn't be taken back.
I . . . I love you.
In that moment, I was transfixed by my own hands.
I did not even realize that Rin's expression had hardened.
I've always loved you. I've always wanted to be with you. So . . .
Don't die.
Was I really saying something so childlike and naive?
I looked up to see Rin, lying before me, looking more flustered than I had ever seen her.
Why . . .
Rin's face was on the verge of tears. A clear look of reproach.
Why would you say something like that?
Rin's hands, so small, clenched tightly around the bed sheets.
I thought of you . . . all of us as my friends, so, even saying such a thing, just adds to my suffering. Why now . . . at the very end, are you making me say these things . . . ?
I was stunned by Rin's fierce reaction. My mind then went blank for a moment.
I had done something irreversible.
I desperately extended my trembling hand toward Rin, who was fighting back tears.
Rin . . .
Get out.
Rin's voice was frighteningly low.
I'm sorry, Rin. I didn't realize my words would upset you this much . . .
Get out!
She was like a cornered animal, a far cry from the Rin I remembered.
What's going on?
Hearing the commotion, the student council president, clad in her school uniform, entered the sickroom.
She must have come after hearing that visitors were now permitted.
Her trademark ponytail swinging, she shot me a piercing glance.
Shinohara, what did you say to Moriyama?
I'm sorry. I'll leave the rest to you.
Wait, Shinohara!
Ignoring her, I left the hospital room.
I rushed straight home.
How did things end up like this?
What happened to all those fun days we had?
. . .
I stood alone in my home, still wearing my jacket.
The empty living room no longer carried the warm memories of our celebratory gathering. The breeze seeping through the gaps had turned the air cold.
